Motherload of Updates

Let's start with Israel. It happened. Yup. I went there. And hung around with students who were cool but I hate babysitting and there was a lot of that. As for the country, I felt super comfy there but didn't feel as strong a pull to it as I did in the past. Maybe this is a good indicator that I should leave my job. I was thought of as "the cool leader" mainly because my co-leader (who I supervise but on this trip, I thought of us as equals) was more...umm...how do I put it nicely...she wanted to send anyone who did anything dumb home. Basically, we just have different methods of dealing with bad behavior.

The trip itself did have a lot of what I would refer to as "propaganda." But my students are smarter than that and they had me for a leader. sooo...yeah. Ex of propaganda: I saw Netanyahu speak at an event of about 1,000 Jews from the Diaspora on birthright trips. I don't think it can get much more propaganda-y than that. His last line, "I want you all to make aliyah and move to Israel."

I think the other reason students liked me was that all the other people (my co-leader, tour guide, bus driver, and security guard) all spoke Hebrew and I didn't. So I didn't want to sit with the staff at meals. Not to mention my primary task was to recruit for work purposes so I wanted to build relationships with students and i think I did so successfully.

I was exhausted most of the time but didn't get sick. Well--I did once but that was it! None of the sustained illness I've had over the years. I think I figured out why too--In Israel, all food is kosher so you don't mix meat and dairy. Ergo, I was forced to cut dairy out of my diet and felt amazing. Also, we got a lot of exercise. So I'm giving up dairy and just joined a gym. I hope this helps.

Ok. I think I'm done with Israel updates.

How about my well-being?

My body needs routine. It needs to not have stupid stress--apparently, the stress of counting 40 americans and 8 Israelis is no problem at all but planning events and doing boring paperwork is! So I'm nervous about going back to work tomorrow after enjoying being out of the office. But I only have to do it until May 31st.

So I am going to try to go to the gym at least 3, maybe more times a week. I know this will help. I am going to eat more meat as I know this will also help my diet. And I will cut out dairy until further notice. I also am going to find a new therapist because mine is bats hit crazy and hasn't helped at all since I moved. I wish I could have my therapist in Quincy, she was amazing.

I also am going to give 80% instead over 100% this semester. And 40% of that will most likely go to teaching my class on Judaism & Social Issues. I'm leaving soon and don't really care though I know I need to. So I will just do the minimum work and hope that this relieves stress.

I also have a doctor's appointment with a new GI Friday afternoon. Hopefully this will lead to a colonoscopy (I can't believe I just wrote hopefully) so we can assess more damage and see what needs to be done for long-term solutions. I wrote out a list of all my symptoms and questions for him, as suggested by shogunhb.

For all the craziness that this move did to my life, 2011 was actually a wonderful year. I made amazing friends and discovered a lot of new and interesting things about myself. I lived with Jo who is amazing and was the best roommate I ever had/will probably ever have. And my roommates now are really nice people. This was totally the year of good people in my larping life and at the end of the year, romantic life.

I also think being on anti-depressants helped my attitude. Sometimes I still wanna hurt myself but much of that comes from situational anxiety-driven situations which I am trying so terribly to get out of.

So what am I thinking about come June 1?

A couple people have asked me recently what do I ultimately want to do with my life. The answer is I have no feckin' clue. I know that I'd like to own property with a nice kitchen and sexy bedroom and be able to effect change and help others. That's pretty much it. I don't care how I do it. I would like the work to get to what I want to be healthy for me but also intellectually stimulating--but not so stimulating that I have to work too hard...does that make me sound lazy? That I don't want to work hard? Or maybe I would feel different if I didn't have a job where I work REALLY hard, don't benefit from the stimulation and am exhausted by?

Part of me as of late would like to go into the healthcare field as our society will always need medical shit. So that might be a good move. I still am super interested in doing that Health Coach online program!

I think I would miss working with students, though. The thing is, I think I'd rather be their friend than work for them...

It scares me that I'm 25, have an advanced degree, exhausted already by everything I do and have no particular direction I'd like to turn in. In the past, I've made my job my life (stage managing, VISTA) and this job made me realize I don't think I want to do that but I'm not sure how not to.

So that's where I'm at with that.

Oh, and other than getting out of this job, my New Year's Resolution is to take better care of my teeth. because fuck. they need it.

EDIT: Oh yeah. My grandfather died while I was in Israel and I didn't know until I got home. I missed the funeral. Kind of sad but also we had a huge family falling out after my Bat Mitzvah and he hadn't been in my life since then. I still have really good memories of him from when I was little that keep playing in my head like a flashback on a TV show. Chasing seagulls on the beach, drinking coffee at dunkin donuts, him telling me I was always "so busy!" i have some really sad memories of him. And I didn't know until I was 18 and my freshman year roommate hugged me that he always smelled like alcohol. I knew he smelled a certain way--I just didn't know of what. Anyway, yeah. No sympathy needed. I'm okay. it's just a lot to process.